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[23 Apr 2007|12:19am] |
I told myself that I would no longer write in this journal, but it's so hard resisting when everything is so accessible, clear, and familiar here.
I had been upset for a while now, from many different things that have been hitting me all at once. On the bright side, I have finally gotten through the toughetst part of the year. I passed the Foundations Art Proficiency and my portfolio did really well, I only have three more projects (the quilt, the dysfunctional design, and the conceptual self portrait) as far as art goes this year, and I'm finally able to live. However, I have a shit ton of stuff to pack and need to get ready to get the hell out of here.
The things that have been upsetting me:
-Hindsight of everything this year--I've pretty much ended up the same way I came in. As much as I grew and continually changed my first year of college, I am surprise at how much is still the same. I'm really not disappointed by this, more underwhelmed?
-Humanity is going to hell--The other day, this girl in my design class, in the middle of a pre-crit, fucking walks across the room to kill a bumble bee. WTF. It's not like half of the bee population hadn't died off this year, nothing is getting pollinated, and the cold front in mid April didn't kill off anything that had a chance anyways. Also, apathy is pissing me the fuck off. ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) naeko wrote this huge tangent in the postsecret community about how if we ignore hateful words and racism, then it really doesn't exist and shouldn't hurt people. Seriously? I don't think that I can say any more. What a dumbass.
-I was commissioned to make a dress for the opening of the latest art exhibit tomorrow, and I invested a lot of time and money to make it. Tailor-made to fit her, she decided earlier this week that she might wear it for graduation instead because she wants to look more professional than pretty. I don't know if I feel like I've wasted my time and energy more, or if I've wasted money more, but it was upsetting.
Well, I miss this journal. But maybe I'll just use this to rant. My new journal is granolithic. It will contain my real life and shit, even though I haven't posted in it in an eternity.
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| goodbye. |
[18 Mar 2007|02:32pm] |
A while back ago, I had said that I wanted to drop out of or leave Truman. Well, my mind was changed because I had a good support system. A backbone. A lumbar vertebrae. But since then, the marrow has dissipated. I don't feel close to anyone here that I had felt close to before. I look around Kirksville and the beauty has vanished. I once looked at Kirksville with this feeling of completeness. I was excited to explore this little town and get to know it's people. Now when I look out my window, I don't know what to look for anymore. There's nothing to look forward of it anymore. The little family that I made here, including people of my own kin, has divorced me. I feel like they look forward to my departing. The root to their problems.
I've been evaluating myself since the problem had come up. Does my friendship really make them miserable? Do I really hurt so many people? & I realized that I probably do. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. As much as this has hurt me, they're all only hurting me but I'm affecting so many other people.
Here at Kirksville, I realized what I'd really miss. The dress shop, the abandoned bottling plant, the girls I've met at BOB, the ATO parties and affiliates, the wonderful Art faculty and inside jokes. Food network with Ashley. The comraderie that I was once a part of.
So today, I'm going to clean my room. They say that if you're room is messy, which mine is, will clear up your life. The clutter of my room parallels the clutter in my life. So I'll start new and clean.
Which made me realize that I've been hefloats too long. Two years now. So I'll have a new identity too. I'll personally contact people when I get a new journal. A new life. A new journal.
Well, this is it. Thanks for keeping it real.
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[12 Mar 2007|02:22pm] |
bed time.
omigod i love isight.
I'm at the art gallery right now working my shift and I have absolutely nothing to do.
Taylor is coming up to visit next week and I'm really excited. I don't know exactly what to plan right now because I don't know exactly what BOB events are coming up next week.
So far, I'm sure that I'll take him down to Rainbow Basin and the Abandoned Bottling Plant and downtown. Maybe we can go to Columbia too for dinner or something. Then there's vegetarian potluck. I don't think that there's going to be an ATO party until April.
yea, well ok. back to "work".
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[12 Mar 2007|10:48am] |
well, I'm getting ready for class right now.
taylor is letting me borrow his isight camera. ohmanohman
even though I had 8 hours of sleep, I'm still exhausted.
the last day that I was in St. Louis, I took my grandma shopping, my little sister iceskating, Taylor and I hung out and ate and watched Amelie and made silly faces and he came with me to the airport at 1 am to pick up my sister and then daylight savings time hit and we weren't home until 3:40.
 
( 3 )
I left my phone charger and some clothes at home. I always forget shit at home.
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| chi-CAgo |
[10 Mar 2007|12:31am] |
literally just got back from Chicago. I'm really tired and I have a head ache and fever. But all so worth it. I drove the entire way home but Janna who has never before even driven on a highway, drove 99 miles of the 306 miles to Chicago from St. Louis. I am very proud of her. I spent way too much money, that I don't have, and ate and ate and ate. We stayed at the Chicago International Hostel and parked for free across from Loyola. I want to specially thank Evelyn crackmonkeygirl for all of the help she gave us in all of the great places to go. We basically took the redline for everything. We went to Chinatown, Ragstock, that Japanese paper store, Something Old Something New, basically everything she said we should check out. Manohman, It was a lot of fun. We met a lot of interesting people too. When we were going to the Art Institute, we met this guy named Sandy who is a freshman film major at Columbia. He basically took us there because we didn't know that we were supposed to get off at Monroe. He was a really nice guy and it's too bad that Janna and I didn't get his email or anything. I guess if we really want to get creepy, we can look him up on facebook. We also talked to some guys at the Garfield greenline stop who gave us some tips on decieving the Chicago Transit Authority bus drivers. First of all, that bus stop was hella creepy because people were yelling and busting bottles everywhere. But those guys were real tight. The CTA security guy at the Granview stop was really cool too. Although I loved the city, something about it was really gloomy, all of the time. People rarely smiled at each other. People rarely held doors for others, or said "please" or "thank you". Although I did get a wave by this real old smiling couple. And I did get a lot of cat calls. Janna said that I must have been soliciting attention, but all I did was pretend that I wasn't from out of town.
I know this is ridiculous but my favorite part about Chicago is the public transportation. hah. That's what I love about cities--walk a lot, ride with strangers. I think that every city needs a good transit system. It pisses me off that St. Louis's metro is mediocre at best.
Well, although I'm brutally exhausted, I told myself that I would be good with this trip and upload pictures when I got home so that it wasn't so shoddy when I finally got myself to do it. So here it is, just the digital prints. I also brought my Franka and my Polaroid Spirit 600 so I'll have to develop and scan those later at school.
( lot's of fucking pictures )
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[07 Mar 2007|10:57pm] |
I'll be on the road in 5 hours. If you see me, wave "hello"!
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[06 Mar 2007|11:54pm] |
Did you see the blood red moon tonight? It was a sign.
There weren't enough apples to get a long. We ate the sauce
with the rice all warm in sticky.
Never feel more alive than when the heart gets broken.
Or death is on the way.
Going to Chicago. In twenty-eight hours.
crunch crunch munch skin.
apples and skin. apples and skin.
scratch scratch. smile. scratch
chomp. questions. giggle. what?
M*A*S*H plays in the background. Who the hell watches that show anyways?
Grapefruit and oranges.
Hello Home. Helloe Home. Halo Home. Hallo Haus. G'bye Prison.
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[06 Mar 2007|09:38am] |
Today is a long day. I told Caitlin, if I could make it, that I would go in a little early for work. Right after work, I'm going to walk home and get into the car and then drive the three of us, Ashley, Janna, and I home to St. Louis. I'm probably going to take the Hannibal route because I want a swift journey home. I need to call the parents to see if Janna can stay the next few days before our trip. I miss my grandma and my little sister. I wonder what new hobby she has now.
Last night, Miguel came over and we watched Bottle Rocket. I painted my nails.
I haven't painted my nails for almost two years.
Also, this little feller followed me to work yesterday:
 
He waited around outside the shop until some hicky little boy who was in the shop with his mom shopping for a wedding dress chased him around. Poor puppy. It would come up really real close to me and then let me pet him but whenever I reached for the collar, it would shake really hard and run from me. Perhaps he knew that his owner was my mortal enemy.
Well, I need to take a shower and get pack pack packing.
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[05 Mar 2007|10:21am] |
I woke up today for the second time in two days at precisely 10:04.
After work today, Janna promises to be a good house wife and have dinner prepared for me at my arrival. hah.
Yesterday, I took a bubble bath, and I still feel oh-so-squeeky-clean. Although I hate how swollen you get if you've been in the bath for more than half an hour.
( suds )
I went down to rainbow basin but didn't have the balls to go down to the lodge by myself. I never noticed the shooting range by the gravel road and it gave me eerie feelings I couldn't shake off.
 
The other day, I got chased by the cops but made a quick right and lost them. Tonight, I pack for the rest of the journey.
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[04 Mar 2007|04:47pm] |
Ashley's on a walk. Janna's on a hike. I'm all alone in the house right now. There is still no reply. sigh.
I'm going to go to rainbow basin and throw rocks. and breathe deeply. good. alone but not.
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[04 Mar 2007|10:23am] |
I'm such a giant grease ball today. Three days not showered. eeep!
Zia, Ashley, & Janna lie asleep in the living room. Angie is gone, her bed left in a heap still breathing off last night's slumber. Everything is lyrical.
I sent an injudicious email that I'm not so sure I want read anymore. It was fairly late at night, and I hope that it has gone undetected. There has been no reply, so I assume it so. In the middle of the night, I must have scratched my face, because it is sore on my left cheek, just below my eye bags. Holy eye bags, bags bags bags. I need more sleep. I have no idea why I woke up so early. ha, early being 10:28:15. My computer currently reads that I have 4:20 hours left in battery time. I'm not writing coherently.
Angela Hoffman's dress is going good so far. Unfortunately, I may not have bought enough fabric, and I worry about what I'll have to do about that. I feel as though the skirt is not full enough. I'm worried that if I buy some more fabric of the same color, but from a different bolt that it would not be the same in the end.
I'm going to do some sewing today, & some reading today & some breathing today.
I don't think that I want to eat any more shit, because Miguel and Ashley and I did way too much yesterday.
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[03 Mar 2007|11:49pm] |
Janna and I are going to Chicago. We will probably go home from Kirksville to Saint Louis on Tuesday night, and then Wednesday or Thursday we'll travel to Chi town. Stay in a Hostel. Stay in a Brothel. When I was 5, I constantly got hostel and brothel confused. Go to museums. Eat at cafes. Drink lots of coughees. Be warm in a cold city. Little does Janna know that we're going to be hitchhiking. Actually, no. I'm driving. But I despise the fact that I'll be driving for 7 hours straight. Bitchassmotherfucker.
Today at work was great. I sold a dress AND I helped three Brides out. omgomgomgcommissionomgomgomg
I need the cashola so much. I haven't called alice yet at all. I need to really badly. I miss her.
My hands are cold again. I woke up from a nap after work today freezing. This house is really fucking cold.
The gas station across the street just closed. The lights just turned off. Goodnight Icehouse #3.
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[03 Mar 2007|11:10pm] |
I need a change in scenery.
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[01 Mar 2007|09:53pm] |
I'm hurting, everywhere. inside and out.
my eyes are gross from the fucking hoses that replaced my tear ducts today. I haven't cried so hard since I came to school in August. I'm still really confused about a lot of things right now. For instance, how can you start a band but not have time for a relationship. This just occured to me. I feel shanked.
 
I'm looking forward to being isolated in Kirksville and doing some soul searching. This entry is going to be such a downer. Yesterday, I found out that I missed paying my credit card bill by one day so instead of a $400 dollar bill, it's $650 now. How despairing.
On a lighter note. I have some mediocre pictures of my temporary tattooed sleeve.
 
This has been a really crazy 24 hours. It was so windy today, that Janna and I couldn't walk any further. We ran ran ran to lunch and it took all the energy I had left.
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[27 Feb 2007|09:31am] |
Eric and I broke up! It was the easiest break up ever. A lot of stress has dissipated. I feel great, except I'm getting really sick. I hope that I'm ok enough to go to work and shit. Because that would suck to be the only reason to be staying up here for break.
 
I can't wait to live in this house.
I won 12 35mm cameras on ebay the other night! I also bought 10$ worth of temporary tattoos and I have a sleeve now!
Currently I'm working on a side project. I'm taking my body and putting them in strange places to express how I'm not comfortable in my own skin. Here's a preview without too much skin showing. I'll show the finals once I finish this set.
( n00ds )
also, bread whale is almost done!
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[25 Feb 2007|05:51pm] |
I just sneezed 5 times in a row and caught the 6th one. According to Cosmo, 1 sneeze is 1/10th of an orgasm. All right!
This weekend has been completely,...
so much has happened over this past three days, and I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm extremely unmotivated to do anything any more as a result of everything. I just began & finished a process/informational speech that was assigned nearly 3 weeks ago that I have to present in class tomorrow. I don't think that I want to do much else today.
I'm going to a BOB Oscar party tonight. I'm also supposed to go to dinner at my sister's house with a lot of friends. I haven't eaten a single thing today, and what's strange is that I'm not hungry in the least.
I did some really awful things too and it's really affecting me. There won't be so many entries from now on, because I kind of suck at recapping all the shit that goes on.
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[22 Feb 2007|09:45am] |
Attempt number two didn't go too well to find the abandoned botttling plant. However, I did encounter the most beautiful street in Kirksville, ironically named "Osteopathy". There's this amazing cemetary on top of this gigantic hill. Yesterday, the sun was beautiful and it kissed my face.
Today, I turn in my whale for a pre-critique and I'm nervous as hell that it has fallen apart on me. I transported it the design room last night with Miguel. He bought me some food because he loves me. I took him to Sonic so that he could get said food because he was starving.
I'm starting to feel restless again and I want to travel and ride and disappear. But then I just want to sleep and snuggle and toss and turn under my sheets and baby blanket. I'm looking forward to next friday more and more. I need to get out of here so that I can maintain my sanity.
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[21 Feb 2007|12:18am] |
Ashley and I have been on an eating rampage!
Seriously, we've been eating late at night, early morning, all fucking day. This morning we had McDonald's breakfast and just now, I made us some mac and cheese and fried potatoes and tea. This is getting out of hand.
I went home this past weekend for Chinese New Years and got $180. Which is pretty sweet.
I also got to see some people that I've been wanting to see for a long time. I've been baking a lot for my design project. I'm baking a 20X20 inch whale made of pretzel dough. It's fucking intense.
 
Janna & I tried to find the abandoned bottling plant to-day, but we were unable to locate it. Lots of mud was applied to our shoes and it was a beautiful day. What a beautiful day it was.
( peach,plum,pear )
I started a game of Okami today. Seriously, it's the prettiest graphics I've ever seen in a video game. Like, of course most of it's not realistic, but it's beautiful. But I could only play so much because I'm so terrible wielding a playstation controller. It's a shame that the company that made Okami is out of businesss. "so innovative"
I just suddenly started getting a migraine. Tomorrow is a busy day. I'm considering joining this women's organization called "BOB" & it's their intro week this week. Beta Omega Beta. sigh. I don't know as of yet.
I'm also sort of stressed out by a lot of events,things,ideas. Things, please work out and run smoothly.
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[15 Feb 2007|10:27pm] |
I was taking a shower to-night just a few hours ago in Janna's room. I was completely naked in her bathroom when I noticed something on my right shoulder. I couldn't adjust her mirror correctly to see my shoulder through the reflection of Janna's suitemate's mirror, so I just turned to her suitemate's mirror to see the reflection through her mirror when suddenly the door to her suitemate's opened. We both screamed, as she realized that I was stark naked. Janna's suitemates already think that I'm her lesbian lover. I wonder what they think now.
 
Janna & I spent the day together & we did lots of things that I've wanted to do for a while. We drew nature outside in the freaking freezing 0 degree weather, we explored the creepy gas chamber 8, ate foodsss, hung out in a cave & a nest.
Yesterday: Imagine the cafeteria, completely full, every seat taken. The conversations in the cafeteria start to lull. In the mid silence, a big burly man stands up, screams "I'm going to get naked and make snow butts", starts stripping down to his skivies and runs outside to whomp on the snow. Absolutely amazing.
I'm looking forward to this weekend but not. I like the idea of going home, but I'm far too lethargic to do any traveling right now. Plus, I have quite the load of work to do this weekend for art too.
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[15 Feb 2007|08:35am] |
Happy Valentine's Day later.
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